My subconscious always dramatizes that which causes me angst. At the same time, I’ve learned to look for the messages God gives me within the nonsensical, exaggerated, sometimes frightening sequences of events that happen during REM stages.
I dreamed I lived in a cluttered, kid-filled apartment in an unknown town. The view from the windows was unpleasant. Lifeless buildings dotted hills. Transients and bums below spotted me peering out on them. They called up, saying things I couldn’t quite hear but still made my skin crawl. Sitting next to me on the couch, I asked my mother, “What year is it?”
So this is a few decades before I would have been ten—about the age I felt in the dream. Many children were present. Some of my sisters were there as well as foster children (some untrustworthy), and young kids in danger, I presume from my either “step” or “foster” father, whose name was “Mr. Stank” (so I determined from reading a piece of his mail). Some of the young ones may have even been killed, but the ones that were there needed a place to hide and sleep, safely removed from the threat of “Stank” as I called him.
While this was going on, the focus was my super-human ability to face a blank wall and wave my hands before it and create lovely, colorful pictures my mind conjured up. I would show off my new talent to my sisters, done through the sheer force of my will. In “Stank’s” part of the house, I went in to create something unpleasant. I thought he deserved to be surrounded by ugliness to match his ugly heart.
Then, the more I kept at it and the harder I tried to create these backdrops of beauty, the more I would fail. Things just didn’t turn out right. That which resembled shredded newspaper pieces and stickers began turning up on my walls.
All the while, as in recurring dreams for the past two years, I would attempt to speak and barely get the words out. It’s like having a bad case of laryngitis. Muteness followed by a partial word here and there. Frustrating.
I know this dream has a lot to do with the uncertainty of life, with the less than pleasant situations we have faced renting for two years. Three addresses in a sixteen month period and now, facing a fourth. Where will we go? What will be available? Is God preparing us to buy a home? Where?
When my landlord qualified a huge rent hike with what a beauty of a property we live on, yes, summer harbor living has been lovely. However, water carries sound so that it seems to be coming from two feet away. The beach is a perfect party spot, and can be frequented by scores of random people appearing in what basically constitutes your driveway--day and night. Having no backyard leaves no reprieve from nameless, faceless water-drawn visitors. During the endless, harsh winter it was isolated. Harbor whited out with fog. Churning gray water along the long stretch of sound we drive to get to civilization often angry and ominous-looking, frequently spewing its cold, wet contents onto our cars.
The house was built around 60 years ago and I don’t believe it’s had a single update—hence the year 1948 in my dream. Maybe my landlord is “Stank,” as he gives me the impression he feels to be more of my benefactor than my landlord with his lamenting over how he’s losing money each month renting to us. (Despite his desperation to get us in last winter). Maybe I see him as “stealing” the food that should be fed to my children by demanding more money each month. Maybe he is the “untrustworthy” foster kids. He seems to be giving me “double speak” regarding his plans for his house. Perhaps the transients are the representation of my fear that we will be homeless with nothing available in this “hopping” rental market.
Maybe the children that need protection and a safe place to sleep are mine. In my opinion, it’s not good for children to be bounced around from one rental to another ad nauseum. And the inability to be heard is not surprising. I’m not good at dealing with conflict and negotiation.
Uncertainty and life surprises make my gut wrench. I need to know what to expect.
But, this is the opposite of faith. Faith is resting assured in God’s provision, protection and direction when the bowling pins you juggle flip up into the air where you didn’t expect them to and you lose your grip on them. All along you never really had total control. You just put up a good show for a minute.
Angst for two years over as basic a thing as a roof over our heads brings home the message to me that Jesus never owned a home. All of this earthly living is fleeting, a mere blip in eternity where we will have our amazing, forever home. It will be more than pleasing to the eye, free of decay, rent, a constant reminder that we don’t really belong or could be bounced out, or mortgage monsters. For God’s word says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” (1 Corinth. 2:9 NIV)
And God knows I face a proposal that needs finishing, works of fiction requiring thought and attention, and empty walls yet again soon. The lovely pictures I created by just imagining them are the ones He will give me the ability to incorporate into my writing and next home if I trust, have fun with it, let it happen. If I try to make something ugly for “Stank,” or try too hard, relying on my own power, my efforts will be frustrated, the outcomes less than they could be by allowing Him to take the lead.
America, Land of Condemnation (Part Three)
4/15/2021 1:00:00 PM by: Christine
America, Land of Condemnation (Part Two)
4/6/2021 1:01:00 PM by: Christine
America, Land of Condemnation (Part One)
3/24/2021 1:55:00 PM by: Christine
Government's Desperate Need for Humility
3/11/2021 12:21:00 PM by: Christine
Is the Church Changing?
1/19/2020 10:55:00 AM by: Christine
What Are Our Values Anymore?
11/22/2019 7:29:00 AM by: Christine
The Final Frontier (Part Two)
9/4/2019 10:10:00 AM by: Christine
The Final Frontier (Part One)
7/29/2019 9:00:00 AM by: Christine
4/30/2019 5:00:00 AM by: Christine
The Colors of a Writer
12/29/2018 5:00:00 AM by: Christine
What's Not to Get About the Writing Life?
4/18/2018 1:24:00 AM by: Christine
Learning to Sing the Song of Winter
12/10/2017 by: Christine
Perspectives & the Second Half of the 10 Commandments of Conflict
8/25/2017 9:57:00 PM by: Christine
Perspectives & 5 of the 10 Commandments of Conflict
5/2/2017 by: Christine
Run Writer Run! Make Music with Your Words
2/15/2017 5:30:00 PM by: Christine
Mom, the Fishstetrician
10/14/2016 by: Christine
The CONSTITUTION For President
6/5/2016 3:41:00 PM by: Christine
The Radicalization of Hillary and the Democrat Party (PART 2 OF 2)
4/16/2016 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
The Radicalization of Hillary and the Democrat Party (PART 1 OF 2)
4/15/2016 2:51:12 PM by: Christine
Why Ted Cruz NOW?
3/19/2016 12:26:00 AM by: Christine
Why is the GOP Committing Suicide?
3/14/2016 12:30:25 AM by: Christine
3/12/2016 9:36:14 PM by: Christine
Does God Give Us More Than We Can Handle?
2/29/2016 10:08:29 PM by: Christine
That Unanswered GOP Debate Question
1/9/2016 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
12/31/2015 3:04:50 PM by: Christine
Fractured Nation (2 of 2)
11/14/2015 8:42:06 AM by: Christine
Fractured Nation (1 of 2)
11/11/2015 11:04:35 AM by: Christine
What is Orphan Sunday?
11/8/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
November's Gratitude and Longing
11/4/2015 8:30:39 PM by: Christine
Losing a Child is Like...
9/12/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Finding God in a Tenement
9/3/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Doing School in the 21st Century
8/22/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Superstition vs. Planned Parenthood
8/19/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Addicted to Giving Birth?
4/21/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Why We Should Have "The Talk" Before Marriage
3/20/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Adoptive Parents "Hypersensitive" & "Selfish?"
3/12/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
What's So Wrong With Calling It "Gotcha Day!"
2/26/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
How God Connected the Dots
2/7/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Exposure of Transracially Adopted Kids to Their Races a Bad Thing?
2/2/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Out With The Old
1/12/2015 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Those Who Scoff at International Adoption
8/16/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Setting Aside Birth Story Facts for Truth
7/31/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Sneak Peak, "How much did you pay for her?"
6/11/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Blessing Through Adoption Pain
5/16/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Eight Ways Publishing Your Book is Like an Adoption Journey
2/23/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
2/17/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
It's a Boy
2/8/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Thoughts of Her
2/1/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
To My Son
1/30/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
1/25/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Minority Against Minority
1/12/2014 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Happy New Year!
12/30/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
11/25/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
You ARE my mother?
11/10/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
The Transracially Adopted Children's Bill of Rights and Some Thoughts
11/3/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
10/19/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Will He Speak English?
10/11/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
10/5/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
What's in a Name?
9/30/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Vhristine
An Adoptive Mom's Message to Those in the Healthcare and Education Professions
9/25/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
9/11/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
When We Are Weary
9/1/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
8/24/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Chrisrine
A Fresh Start
8/22/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
God Works Behind the Scenes
8/13/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Why Adoption Requires Forgiveness
7/28/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Dust Bunnies and Poo
7/19/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
7/13/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Forgiveness is Work
7/9/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
An Answer to Prayer, Part Three
7/3/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
An Answer to Prayer, Part Two
6/27/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
An Answer to Prayer, Part One
6/22/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Are They Really Brother and Sister?
6/16/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Infertility's Not Fair
6/13/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Has He Ever Eaten a Dog?
6/11/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine
Sometimes We Fail
6/9/2013 12:00:01 AM by: Christine